And now, an allegory. A first for iBlog America.
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
OLD SKOOL VERSION:
The ANT works hard in the
withering heat all summer long,
building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The GRASSHOPPER laughs
and dances and plays
the summer away.
Come winter, the ANT
is warm and well fed.
The GRASSHOPPER
has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.
OLD Moral of the story:
Hard work deserves respect.
Cutting corners leads to ruin.
-------
NEW SKOOL VERSION:
There is a beautiful land
named “America.”
It is a wonderful place,
filled with natural treasures
and opportunity.
In it lives two citizens:
the ANT and the GRASSHOPPER.
THE ANT
The ANT is born into a family
with money and connections.
The ANT goes to private schools
and his uncle helps him attend Harvard.
By age 35, the ANT has a great job,
a house in town and one at the beach,
drives a great car, and investments.
He vacations in the Caymans.
The ANT believes in the “Wealth Filter.”
Those who have or make money
are strong and worthy of respect.
Those who do not
are weak and deserve to fail.
THE GRASSHOPPER
The GRASSHOPPER is born into a family
with debt and obligations.
He goes to public school
and attends any college he can get into.
By age 35, the GRASSHOPPER has two jobs,
a big college loan and mortgage,
and two kids.
He vacations at the pub
or on the weekends.
The GRASSHOPPER
believes in the “Value Filter.”
Those who show value to others
should be respected and protected.
Many things of value
never generate wealth.
This is the story of the ANT and the GRASSHOPPER,
in THREE PARTS.
PART ONE
After a string of beautiful summers, a hard winter surprises everyone
in the land. One icy day,
the ANT calls a press conference
And blames the cost of the cold weather
on the GRASSHOPPER.
The ANT
goes on TV and says
“The GRASSHOPPER laughed
and danced the summer away
while we ANTS were busy working.
Now, the silly GRASSHOPPER
wants to raise taxes to pay for
the lazy people during this
terrible cold weather.”
The ANT raises his fist and says,
“No one should have to pay
for other people. If you can't
heat your house,
that's your problem!
We should stop helping people
who aren't strong enough
to make a profit
to keep themselves warm!
The strong should win
and the weak should lose!”
The GRASSHOPPER,
who doesn't really follow politics,
sips a beer after his long day
at work and thinks the ANT is crazy.
The GRASSHOPPER turns to his
wife and says,
“Everyone was chilling this summer.
Even the ANTS were partying.
That's ok! We all work a lot."
The GRASSHOPPER went on,
"But this winter is hard.
Even the ANTS were partying.
That's ok! We all work a lot."
The GRASSHOPPER went on,
"But this winter is hard.
People need to help each other out.
Not everyone is born rich and healthy.
How about the elderly?
Retired and injured veterans?
Some things that never turn a
profit are important, too.
Firehouses and police stations
don't make profits,
neither do bridges and schools.”
The GRASSHOPPER turns on the
baseball game and opens
another beer. He goes on,
“Even an ANT needs help
when things get bad or go wrong.”
“One day, I'm going to become an ANT,”
says the GRASSHOPPER's son.
“Not unless you win the lottery,”
says the GRASSHOPPER's mom.
“Or marry somebody rich!”
says the GRASSHOPPER's daughter.
But the winter ends and summer comes,
and everyone is happy
and stops talking about it.
PART TWO
The next winter, things get even worse. It snows for two weeks straight
and everyone's pipes freeze.
One particularly cold and gray day,
the ANT calls a
press conference.
“GRASSHOPPERISM is about
giving handouts to those
who do not deserve it.
Our society should stop paying
so much for schools, health care,
regulation, and safety for the lazy
GRASSHOPPER.
If it doesn't make money,
it should fail!”
The ANT raises his fist and says,
“We need to lower taxes!
Your mistakes are YOUR fault!
The ANT Way is simple:
every ANT for himself.”
America is stunned
by the ANT's brilliance.
It is easy to understand
how the strong should win
and the weak should lose.
The MEDIA gets
high ratings showing video
of GRASSHOPPERS
who commit crimes,
do stupid things, and are lazy.
The MEDIA also gets
high ratings showing video
of ANTS
who spend lots of money,
do exclusive things,
and hang with cool people.
The MEDIA gets
the best ratings
when an ANT fails at something.
Everyone on TV says
“look at how that ANT
ended up failing
like a GRASSHOPPER.
What a loser!”
Books fly off the shelves
to become best-sellers:
-Pinheads and ANTS
-Godless: The Church
of GRASSHOPPERISM
-The Audacity of
the GRASSHOPPER
-The Secret Connection
Between the GRASSHOPPER
and Islamic Fundamentalism
- God Helps ANTS
Who Help Themselves
The GRASSHOPPER,
shivering in the winter air,
listens and thinks,
“Maybe the ANT is right.
Life would be better if
I had more money.
I hate taxes. I'm tired of
taking care of other people.
IT'S MY MONEY!”
The GRASSHOPPER gets mad
at other grasshoppers.
“GRASSHOPPERISM
is ruining our country.”
PART THREE
The Winter Election shows grasshoppers
talking like ants.
The ANT Party wins big!
Taxes drop to historically
low levels for everyone--
but especially for the ANT.
The ANT uses his money
and connections
to lobby Congress
to rewrite the tax code so that
ANT spending and expenses
can be deducted.
Regulations are lifted
on businesses so that profits
can soar.
The ANT hires an
accountant buddy from
Yale to shelter
ANT family money in
offshore accounts.
The ANT laughs at
how silly
the GRASSHOPPER is
to not know how to do this.
After the election, the
GRASSHOPPER buys a
big house. He takes
out a loan
to act more like the ANT.
“The ANT Way is awesome!”
the GRASSHOPPER's family
tells him.
“Our car sucks! Can we
get a cooler one?”
the GRASSHOPPER's son asks.
The next winter is
one of the coldest and iciest ever.
Foreclosures sweep the nation.
It turns out that
the savvy ANT has been
selling bad mortgages
and loans
to naïve grasshoppers
who can't afford them.
Everywhere, GRASSHOPPER
businesses go bankrupt.
When Big ANT Business
goes bankrupt,
the ANT uses his connections
in Congress to get a bailout
that he doesn't have
to pay back.
The ANT laughs at
how silly
the GRASSHOPPER is
to not know how to do this.
The GRASSHOPPER
gets laid off.
He finds out his mother
has cancer
but insurance won't cover it
because they call it a
“pre-existing condition.”
The GRASSHOPPER
applies for unemployment
and moves in
with his mom to take
care of her while she dies.
“You're and pathetic, Dad”
the GRASSHOPPER's son
tells him.
“You are too weak to be an ANT!
You deserve to fail!”
The story ends with the ANT,
sipping a cocktail in The Caymans,
watching TV from his hot tub
in his luxury condo.
The MEDIA gets high ratings
showing stories of
schools, firehouses, and hospitals
closing down.
There are pictures
of bridges collapsing
and veterans and the elderly
not getting health care.
“Another gin and tonic, Jose”
the ANT politely asks theGRASSHOPPER he hired
to be a housekeeper.
The ANT shakes his head
and thinks about
how silly the GRASSHOPPER
is to not know how to work harder.
NEW Moral of the story:
Everyone for him/herself.
Don't mess with ANTS in power. Maureen Dowd tells us that Tom Coburn (who Obama called his Brother in Christ-Gawd!)told his Oklahoma constituents that Obama's views are "goofy and wrong" and that the president wants to "create dependency" because as an African-American male," he had received "tremendous benefit" from government programs. Don't mess with ANTS in power. Write that 100 times on your blackboard.
ReplyDeleteHere's the way the story was told to me as a child. The ants tolls all day through the time of planting and reaping while a Grasshopper kick backs and relaxes, not caring to plan for the future. Winter comes and the Grasshopper finds himself in dire need. Turning to the ants sorrowful for not planning ahead the Grasshopper begs for help. The ants out of the goodness of their hearts decide to help the Grasshopper. The Grasshopper is well taken care of while at the same time during the winter provides a service to the ants in the way of entertaining them. From then on the Grasshopper vows to do better and plan ahead.
ReplyDeleteThis is the ideal situation, but not all Grasshoppers learn this lesson. The Ants resources can not aid every Grasshopper in the world, but the ants try to help selflessly as much as possible without hurting themselves.
what the fuck are u talking about
ReplyDeleteMr Kleba - your allegory is backwards! The ant is not born to wealth - he works for a living. Everything he has comes from his own hard work - not inherited. The grasshopper is the one who is begging to have a share of someone else's earnings. Sounds like welfare, doesn't it?
ReplyDelete